single parenting with Amber Jones

 There are many definitions of a “deadbeat” parent.  Although most associate the term to a male, this gender association is really unfair as there are enough females who also meet the qualifications.  Some define a deadbeat as someone who has not maintained their financial obligations to their children.  Others might state that the parent is current with their child support but because they do not see the child they are a deadbeat.  And finally, a category difficult to argue with, would be those who do not support their children physically, emotionally or financially often termed as an absent parent.

Regardless of which category you are dealing with, the situation is always frustrating and difficult to understand.  After all, what kind of person can create a child and then treat them this way?  Doesn’t everyone naturally have a bond with their children?  What happened to that parental instinct to do everything within your power to care for your child? 

Eliminate Expectations

Unfortunately there are many examples we can point to where children are treated poorly by those with whom we should trust to care and protect them.   This brings us to step one in the process of dealing with these so called “parents”; realize that you cannot and should not rely on them to be responsible for their children.  By taking away any expectations you have eliminated the surprise and disappointment when they do not comply with even simple requests.

Treat them with Kindness and Respect

Once you have truly mastered step one it will make the next item much easier; always treat them with kindness and respect, especially in front of the children.  Why should you do that when this person has treated you and your children so horribly?  Two reasons; first and foremost you do not want your children to ever think that it is the way you are treating their parent that is driving them away.  This is their father/mother with whom they will always love and want to be in their life, regardless of your feelings.  Every child wants a complete family and until they are old enough to understand for themselves do not provide the deadbeat parent any ammunition.  Secondly, by not showing your anger, you will never have anything to apologize for or regret. 

Treat Money as a Gift

Finally, when you are dealing with a parent who rarely pays their child support, treat it like a gift.  Plan your monthly budget without that money included in your income.  When you do get some money from them, put 10% into an emergency fund, put 80% toward a current debt or long-term savings such as college or retirement, and most importantly spend 10% on something special for yourself and your children.  Having said this, it is very important that you understand that this is your gift to your children.  This is not a gift from their noncustodial parent.  This is reimbursement for the bills that you have already paid for your children.  These unexpected outings will create wonderful memories for you and your children, and that is what parenting is all about…. creating memories.    

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