single parenting with Amber Jones

Okay so I have to admit that I have had a very stressful and emotional week this week as you could probably tell from my last blog.  On top of everything else, my toddler got the flu last night.  I immediately felt like saying, “Okay God….Seriously?!?” 

But I have to say that after spending a day snuggling with my tot watching Dora, putting together puzzles, and reading books….even though I do not wish for my daughter to be ill ….it was exactly what I needed.  I got to take a breather from the stress of work, the stress of dealing with my ex, and the stress of running the daily marathon of life. 

It is amazing how many good things come from what initially appears to be a negative downward spiral of life.  I think about all of those people who have recently lost their job that might go back to school and develop skills for a much better career than they would have ever dreamed of.  I think about my girlfriend who just separated from her husband and how she might learn things about herself she might not have ever found while she was still with him.  Maybe they will get back together and have a much better marriage because of it … or maybe she will find someone new — someone better.  The possibilities of life are endless if you just put your thoughts in the right direction. 

 Irresponsibility in adults drives me absolutely crazy!  My ex is a good example of this exact act so I will use his miserable attempt at life to demonstrate.  He does not see his daughter, he does not pay his child support and is currently over $10,000 in arrears, he did not buy her a Christmas or birthday present this year, and has now called me to inform me that he doesn’t have any money to pay his portion of the medical bills. 

However, he does have enough money to continue to do all of the things that he enjoys including playing baseball one night per week, playing darts one night per week, in addition playing in every state, tri-state, and city tournament of each of those items whenever they are offered.  In addition to that, prior to the state not allowing him to obtain a license he also used to go hunting and fishing whenever the chance arose. 

He is self employed and therefore the state is not able to garnish his wages so instead he uses the funds for his two homes, two pick-ups, a car, a boat, and most recently a hot tub.  So when I called him to discuss my irritation ….he informed me that I was just being “difficult”.  Which I guess I am….after all I am just paying for his daughter’s daycare, food, clothing, and medical bills…..   

 The world seems so different now than it did when I grew up - and I’m not even 40 yet.  When I was growing up kids could play outside without anyone worrying about them getting abducted.  Teens could cause mischief and only had to worry about getting in trouble with their parents ……..not criminally charged.  We went to school without metal detectors and didn’t worry about someone bringing in armed weapons.  Yes, we did have bullies at school and when you were their victim it felt as though the day was never going to be over….but we got through it.

In my childhood, during the winter months we used to take turns doing each others hair on Saturday night to try out the latest style.  (Friday nights were reserved for the high school basketball/football games.)  On Saturday or Sunday afternoon there was at least one card game or board game going on.  We used to read and listen to music when we were bored.  Today it seems as though every pass time has a plug in. 

On the flip side, however, I know that my youngest daughter knows more now at 3 than I did when I went to kindergarten.  My oldest daughter at 16 has a passport that she has used, has been to both sides of the United States, and easily has had more travel experiences than I had prior to turning 25.  Is their life better because of these additional opportunities….I would like to say yes.  Will their life be better and easier than ours just as mine was from my parents…again I would like to say yes.   Is it our responsibility as parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. to make sure that we make it better for the next generation…….in my opinion….yes. 

 I just found out that a girlfriend of mine just got separated from her husband.  From what I know now it seems like she made the right choice for both of them.  Having been through my own difficult relationships in the past it shouldn’t still surprise me how many people have a tough time making it work….but it does.  And really why wouldn’t it?  So many people do such a good job pretending to the outside world that everything is “great” at home; when in fact, they are just like the rest of us, just trying to get through the day….the week…the year.

Which brings me to the question; if everyone was honest and up front with the issues they were having at home, do you think more people would try to work it out?  For some reason I believe that because we all pretend our relationships are without problems everyone believes there is something better to be had.  That their relationship somehow wasn’t meant to be…..that they should leave to go find their “soul mate”. 

My first marriage was destined to end in divorce but we were both young and didn’t know any better.  With my second daughters father I believe that we both had expectations of the other that couldn’t possibly be met with reality.  Had we both lowered our expectations to a reasonable level I think we would have had a chance of making it…..hind site is a wonderful gift.   

Do you ever hear this from your teenager?  I know I do. 

Actually I have to admit that I have it pretty easy with my daughter.  She is a really good kid — she knows the limits and typically sticks within those boundaries.  Her friends seem to be really good as well and I know how much that helps.  I was really lucky with the dating topic because none of her friends could date until they turned 16 so she didn’t even ask as she automatically assumed that the same rule applied to her as wellJ

The one issue that we typically differ on is her money from her part time job.  She has been working at McDonald’s for almost two years now and from the beginning I told her that she needed to put 50% of her check into a savings account and she could spend the other 50% on anything she would like.  None of her other friends have to put any of their money into savings …. and consequently they spend their entire check on clothes, make up, music, etc. 

When I was her age I had a part time job and spent my entire check on clothes.  Once I went to college I realized pretty quickly what a huge mistake that was….unfortunately it was too late.  Therefore, I ended up having to work almost full time while going to school full time just to make ends meat without ending up with so much debt I couldn’t live once I graduated.  Having gone through that myself, I wanted to prevent my daughter from making the same mistake. 

The other argument one could make however (which believe me I have heard more times than I would like) is that the money is hers and she should be able to decide whether she wants to spend it or save it…..but the choice should be hers. 

As I have stated previously, parenthood doesn’t come with a manual and I certainly do not have all of the answers.  So, what do you think — am I doing the right thing by making her save 50% of her check?  Or since the money is hers, should I allow her the responsibility to decide for herself if she should spend the money or save it? 

Being the child of a celebrity obviously has it’s upswing — I mean let’s face it your parents are famous which typically means that they do not lack for money.  In addition, they probably make sure that you get the best education, clothing and shelter money can buy. 

But while watching the inauguration the other day it left me wondering…..but what price do the children of celebrities pay for their rewards.  I mean, it has to be stressful on both the parents and the kids when everyone is watching you ALL OF THE TIME.  Every little thing that your child does is going be noticed, good or bad.  All kids act up at different times — it is part of being a kid.  But for those kids who are put into the spotlight they don’t get to act like kids…..they are miniature adults. 

So it makes me wonder are ordinary kids better off even though they don’t have the “best that money can buy”?  Or are children of celebrities still better off because of what their parents can provide them? 

 Continuing the discussion of our financial prep for 2009 I wanted to talk about your 401K.  So long as you are able to make your mortgage and pay your bills you should be contributing funds to your retirement.  After all, you don’t want to work for the rest of your life do you?  I certainly don’t.  And as much as I would like to hope for social security ……..I am not willing to bet my future on it. 

Should you be working for a company that offers a 401K with a matching contribution consider yourself lucky as this seems to be a popular cutback item for many corporations in these economic times.  So if you are one of the lucky ones, at minimum you should be contributing as much as what your company is willing to match.  Why when the stock market appears to be going down, down, down?  Because for those of us with more than 10 years to go to retirement - it’s a yard sale baby!  Not only are stocks at rock bottom prices right now, with your company matching your money you have already gotten dollar for dollar value for your money. 

Having said all of this, I want to tell you that I did not do a very good job of diversifying my investments in the past which is why I chose to hire a financial advisor this year.  I would recommend that to you as well if it is within your budget to obtain one.  If not, as I stated previously I am also a huge fan of Suze Orman whose book is only $9.99 at Barnes & Noble or you can watch her for free on TV every Saturday night.  There is also a lot of really good information on the internet as well. 

Being a single parent myself, I know how tight money can be but you owe it to yourself to be sure you are taken care of.  Be careful with your money and invest wisely ……..after all it is the lifeline of your future.

 Due to the bizarre situation and the interesting players, the Caylee Anthony murder case still seems to draw a lot of media attention.  As I’m sure you are aware Caylee’s mother, Casey Anthony, is accused of her murder. 

Casey was a young single mother raising her daughter in Orlando, Florida.  Caylee went missing mid-June but was not reported missing by her mother until a 911 call was made by Cindy Anthony, Caylee’s grandmother.  This was the beginning of the media craze -after all, who doesn’t call to report their child missing? 

This case has continued to be disturbing throughout.  I had previously written a post regarding the suspicion that Casey had accidently overdosed Caylee with chloroform.  On that note, it now has come out that Casey had searched for chloroform on Google three months prior to the date that Caylee went missing - leading one to believe that this whole thing may have been planned. 

However, as more and more information has come forward regarding the case, it has just continued to get more and more attention by the media.  There have been many allegations including some crazy ones such as that Casey’s brother, Lee, might be the biological father of Caylee.  There have been allegations that seem as though there maybe something to it - but who really knows - such as that somehow one or more of the Anthony family was involved in getting Caylee found.  It is believed that the Anthony’s did this specifically to cause doubt about whether or not Casey would have been capable of placing Caylee in the area where her body was located due to the fact that she was in prison.  There have been allegations regarding Casey’s former boyfriends, the attorney’s, the police, as well as the private investigators in the case.

Throughout all of the allegations, the date which would have been Caylee’s third birthday, and the months of sitting behind bars - Casey Anthony has been….silent.

 A group of friends got together last night for drinks and appetizers and eventually the conversation led to the economy.  It is such a dramatic concern for everyone, regardless of their financial situation; it is a topic of conversation you really can not avoid.  Things have been scary over the last few months but 2009 has not gotten any better - in fact, I think everyone can agree it has gotten worse. 

Fortunately where I live we have not seen the huge number of foreclosures that have happened in many other states.  We have had many companies announcing layoffs but again not to the extent that other large cities have experienced.  However, it is still scary. 

Given the fact that I have a daughter going to college in a few years I worry about whether or not there will be student loans available for her.  In addition, I worry about her going to school for a profession but not being able to get a job when she is done because unfortunately I am not sure that our country will have recovered by then. 

Even more so I am very concerned for both of my girls and the dollar amount of national debt that we have grown which they will be responsible for paying off.  To be honest I look at the numbers and how they have grown and I am seriously beginning to worry about our national security if we continue down this road.  Then I think, well I’m sure someone more intelligent than me is making the decisions and it will be fine - or will it?

Last night a girlfriend of mine called me completely horrified because she had found a condom in her 15-year-old daughter’s drawer. She was putting away the laundry and there it was. At first she thought it was just a joke as her daughters play jokes on her all of the time. But when she asked her daughter about it she said, “Yeah, it’s mine. Zack and I are having sex.” Just matter of fact – like it was not a big deal?!?

She immediately had a break down. In talking with her husband, they decided that they needed to find out what else their daughter had been up to since they obviously didn’t think they knew everything about her any longer. So, they started by looking at her text messages on her cell phone. Turns out, her boyfriend had been sneaking in during the night and they were having sex in her daughter’s room which is directly below theirs – ugh! Talk about a slap in the face!!

My girlfriend is beside herself. She and her husband do not know what to do at this point. When she called I told her that the first thing she needed to do, aside from talking to her daughter about the risks associated with having sex, was make an appointment for her daughter to make sure she isn’t pregnant and doesn’t have any STD’s including HIV. But, unfortunately you are not going to be able to watch her 24/7 so she should think about getting her on birth control as well.

I hope I gave her the right advice…………I wish parenthood came with a manual!!!